August 22, 2010

Showing People They Matter While They Are Living

I just learned a former co-worker I knew several years ago died.  Today is August 22, 2010, but I am just getting the sad news that she died in July. My response to the friend who gave me the update is I wish I had known. Inside me, my spirit is asking why do you wish you knew given when you knew her health had taken a turn there were calls you didn't make and visits that didn't occur. You were too busy.

I feel bad that she died, but I feel much worse because I didn't go see her when just last month I had said I need to go visit. It wouldn't have required a train or plane, just a ride to another city close to where she lives.

My list of I wishes covers I wish I had called, I wish I had visited, I wish I had known about her memorial, I wish, I wish, I wish...

Get over yourself, my spirit admonishes me to learn from this and recalls: "Remember a few years ago when you lost another friend and you found out when your sister called. She asked you  why you had not told her your friend Dot had died. You were stunned and shocked. You called her husband who shared he thought that someone else had told you. That someone said she didn't have the heart to give you the bad news but now wished she had."

I could not argue but how I wish I could turn back the hands of time. That day I went back to work and looked at emails she had sent asking me how I was and letting me know how much she  valued our friendship. Her last email to me was hey, are you alright? I keep sending emails, but I haven't heard from you. I want to know you are okay. I remembered reading the emails, telling myself I'll get back to her.

I wish, I wish I had not been too busy to check all my emails. I wish I had called. I wish I had heard her voice one last time. I wish someone had told me she had gotten sick.

I haven't seen the friend who shared the news in many years. My wish list grows longer, as I wish I had stayed in touch and still shared the friendship we once shared. I was too busy to be a friend.

Tonight I'm reflecting on my I wish list and reexamining friendship and family time that I have forfeited because I was too busy with work or something else. I have missed friend's children growing up because I got so caught up in the busyness of life.  My Goddaughter had just gone to college and I wish I had spent more time with her before she went away. Her mother is leaving town and how it grieves me because now I wish I had done more things with her.

This is not what living like it matters should be like. It should be about showing people they matter not sending a message that we are too busy.

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